trials that change you

I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog or has a care about what I post on it. Perhaps if you do, you are tired of hearing about the loss of my mother; as has been the focus for the past several months. Death of someone close to you is not an easy thing to go through. One questions their very existence and possibly even the world as they know it; their faith, their beliefs, their life. Is it how my mother died that is so hard to get over? Is it that she was only 63? Is it that I had only 3 short months to deal with the idea of her possible death to cancer? My mother, as we now know, knew something was amiss, she had to know it was likely cancer, and she knew this for at least 8 months before a doctor saw what was going on and she got diagnosed. Three months, and a horribly painful three months, later and my mother was gone. We had so little time to deal with her diagnosis or to even try and figure out her best options for treatment. We were led to believe it was caught at an early stage where she would have a least a year to fight it. It became apparent to us that was not the case when in May she landed in the hospital for 2 straight weeks with a very diminished cognitive state and weak body. She had suffered multiple infections, blood infections, due to the chemotherapy killing off everything that was left to fight disease; and it didn't make a dent in the cancer. She wasn't going to give up though I know she felt like it. She knew it was grave but she so badly wanted to stay and get things done; she knew we still needed her. As those days past, we didn't want to diminish her hopes but we did have to eventually tell her that we would be okay. She needed to focus on herself and not us. We would take care of what needed to be done.

Why do I write this? Because I want to share my story, maybe it will help someone. I shared my pregnancy story years ago online and I had several women contact me and thank me for it. I have an interesting uterus that made being pregnant a bit of a challenge for me. I shared every detail about what I learned and what I went through and women who were told they had the same thing and were researching online came across my story, and it helped to calm their fears. That was rewarding for me, and was my hope. Now that the web-link where that story was published (they retained the rights) is no more, I feel I can share that here and once I dig it out of my hard drive, I will. I am not sure if sharing my story about the death of my mother will be of any help to anyone but I welcome people to post in the comments their stories about loss of someone they love who left too young and to a dreadful illness. I hate the word CANCER, and I think many of us would agree. I have seen this too many times and seen it win too many times.

I began a ladies Bible study at my church in effort to get to know some women in the church, but also because I have been feeling so disconnected to my faith. The study is by Beth Moore, whom I am not familiar with, but others adore her. In the workbook, where we have homework between group sessions, she has said a few things that hit home to me about my disconnect. It seems normal that I should be feeling this way, but perhaps not for as long as it's been. I am hoping to reconnect to God and this study might help push me in the right direction. The woman leading the study has said she believes God called each of us to sign up; she's right. I am sure each of us ladies are dealing with some struggle and though I have not yet shared any of mine with the group, others have - maybe it helps them? The opportunity may present itself where I can begin to share about the loss I am going through and the questions that have been going through my head and the disconnect I feel. Is this you? Have you felt that way? It's more than just asking why it happened. God won't immediately if ever tell me why, its questions about the validity of everything I have been taught from the day my parents put us in Christian school and we began going to church. We had sunday school and sunday service, there was also a wednesday service. It was drilled into me and I never doubted what I was told or questioned it. I accepted it and I believed it to be true. I had a relationship with God. 

When I was 19 that relationship changed and by the time I was 21 I think it was hurt badly. I knew God was there...but I allowed myself to ignore Him. It took several years to work on building that back...and I am not entirely there yet. I wanted my children to know about our Lord and I wanted to attend church but it took me TOO LONG to actually go. When I finally got over myself and went, my mother had just told me about her cancer. It wasn't because of my mother that I went but it became all I could think about. Sunday after sunday..with my cellphone not far from me...in case I got that horrible call that my mother passed away, I went dutifully. I missed one service in June when my mom thought she was dying...I went to the hospital to be at her bedside. She didn't die that day. That call did come, but it was at 3:30am on June 16, a Monday, I had just left her bedside at midnight - doctors thought she still had days, but I knew in my gut they were wrong and that will be my biggest regret (my sister did stay with her that night). That following sunday I had no desire to go to church, but I did. Those next few were hard because sometimes during the service I felt like crying and sometimes I did a little. If my mother hadn't had cancer, hadn't died, perhaps the disconnect would be gone by now and my relationship with our Lord on the road to recovery. But as it is, I feel it's been a struggle to get even where I am right now. I was angry. I would hear the messages in church and continue to hear how God won't abandon us, he heals us, he helps us...and so on...and there was my mother...very devoted to our Father in Heaven...praying to be healed...praying for more time...and that's not what he gave. She suffered and he took her away. This trial he gave her...why?  

Her death has made me contemplate if there really is life after death. Is my mother really in Heaven or just becoming dust in the ground? Is there a Heaven? Is there a God? I can't help having these thoughts. I want to see my mother again, and I want to believe I will, and yet I find myself questioning if that will happen...not because I am a non-believer or un-saved or anything, but questioning the existence of it all. None of us really knows if all that is real, we haven't been there. We have to choose to believe or not. Where did the idea of belief in God and Jesus come from? Yes its in the Bible...and yes it was translated from texts from long ago...it takes a lot of faith to believe it wasn't just all made up as a way to give people something to believe in...something to hope for. I mean imagine a life with nothing to hold onto?? I imagine for some, that would be depressing. I know there are some, atheists, etc, who may think that once you die..that's it...and maybe it is...how do we really know? We don't. We have to trust...we have to believe. I never had any trouble with that until my mother's death. Maybe it's because I saw how deeply she loved God and it felt like he abandoned her. See, my mother would tell me that I am wrong, that she knows God was with her...I can hear her telling me that. I went to my Mom a lot to talk about Christianity. Why did a child of God suffer in such a way? I know she was not the only one. I have friends who lost their loved ones just the same. It makes me wonder too what God has in store for my children...for me. Will he take me away from them? We he take them away from me? Why does he allow this kind of suffering to those who walk with him? If they are trials, what's the purpose? 

Back to my Bible study. We've been studying Paul, Silas and Timothy but we are also referencing Christ. These men suffered and were persecuted and they continued to walk with God the Father and teach his Word. Jesus suffered on the cross. I wonder sometimes if he was afraid. I wonder sometimes if he questioned why he was being made to suffer. God chose him to pay for the sins of the world..past, present and future. Maybe God chose my mother in hopes I would come closer to him and maybe this was his way...but he didn't need to take her away from me, from all of us, for that to happen. It feels like punishment. Jesus wasn't being punished, he was sacrificed to save all of us. Why is there so much sickness in the world? Is that our cost for the sins that are being made? For all the children who are being murdered before their birth - for the immorality being practiced everyday- for the greed and down right lack of compassion for others - or for people shutting God out? I read someplace that death was not part of God's design...but I am not entirely sure I understand that..was that just in reference to the promise of ever-lasting life? Or did he truly not want us to die? Prophets died...Jesus died. Death has been part of life forever. Did he not intend on death until that first sin was made in the garden? I don't have these answers.

I can tell you one thing for sure...My mother's death..what she went through...right at the same time my cat died of cancer...the continuing onslaught of suffering...this is my trial. God is watching me. He wants to see what I am going to do. I am working on this. I am. I saw my mother's cancer eat away at her; I can only assume that was her trial, but why? What purpose did she need to suffer like that? And her trial led to my trial? Maybe someday I will have a better understanding. I am always thinking that God is trying to tell me something, or warn me of something, but maybe that's not it at all. He wants to know what I am going to do while I deal with my mothers death. Those questions of my faith are Satan..I know that..and I have been trying to get through this with God's help. Would I have done a Bible Study at a church 10 years ago? No..I can honestly say that in the place that I was, no.

Take a look at these articles.

something else to read -  Why Christians Suffer - Bible.org
and yet another look  - Why do Christians Suffer - Joyce Meyer 
also very good  -  - Why did God include death?