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| Robin Williams 1951-2014 |
I am not speaking today about Robin Williams, but I want to speak about the opinions, and the feelings I am seeing bursting onto Facebook and media reports and that is about the idea of ending ones life. I think the most shocking comment I saw today was that of someone I do not know saying they felt everyone should be allowed to choose when their life can be over, thus saying that suicide is a good way to go. Saying that suicide is an option if you just feel it's time your life was over is beyond comprehensible for me. Suicide is not something to take lightly. Suicide is generally done by people who are desperate and destitute. Sure, accidental suicides seem to occur by those who just don't know when too many drugs, or too much alcohol is too much, but for those who consciously decide their life is no longer worth living that they are capable of ending their life - just imagine for a moment how these people are feeling inside. They aren't thinking clearly. They might think they are, but they are not. When you get to that point you are no longer thinking about anything except ending your pain. Your friends and family do not come into the picture at all. Sure one might have a moment where they convince themselves they are doing their loved ones a favor by ending it, but that just shows how not in the right mind they have become.
This brings me to depression. I think its pretty safe to assume that many people who end their own lives have become depressed for one reason or another. It might be that you feel worthless, it might be that nothing in your life is going right, it might be that you were diagnosed with a terminal illness or it might just be a chemical imbalance in your brain. There are many reasons that someone can become depressed and some people are more predisposed to it than others. Most people will have moments of sadness, or feeling blue, but depression is so far beyond that, that unless you have been there, or seen someone suffer with it, you won't grasp just how awful it is. I have seen depression and I have felt depression. I have felt that life was not worth living but I fought back and it's not an easy fight, its not. Depression seems to run in my family. I am not saying that's the reason I had gone through it and struggle with it often, but its possible there is a chemical reason in my families case that it seems easy to fall into that state.
This leads me to more opinions I have been seeing and hearing - suicide is selfish. Well, you know what? It is. You are only thinking of you when you choose to end your life. You attempt to justify it to yourself by telling yourself that you're doing those around you a favor. You convince yourself that they won't miss you. This is only part of the disease, this is not rational thinking. Mothers and fathers that attempt or succeed in killing themselves, do they really think their children, their spouse, whoever, is going to be better off with knowing they wanted to die and not even they were worth fighting for? Does anyone ending their life consider what it will do to those they love, or loved, or love them. The disease is debilitating. Its like a cancer that gets into your brain and eats away the parts of you that know rational thinking and right from wrong. The key to not letting it get that way is to seek help, grab onto your faith, pray, talk about it, and surround yourself with people who love you; take your life back and fight to live. Don't let the depression win. Be better and stronger than the disease. This isn't an easy thing to do when it's eating you up inside. In some cases medication might help but only if the person is willing to take it as prescribed. I won't condone or condemn medication for depression. I am not one who likes to medicate and will find alternative means but if that fails, sometimes, even if short term, you need conventional help.
Medicating or seeking therapy of course, only works if the person KNOWS they are depressed, recognizes it and wants to seek help. This brings me to Williams. It's reported he was depressed, but we do not if he was getting any help. It's possible he was not. Its possible he was, maybe was even prescribed something, but was no longer taking it, or it just wasn't enough. This is when if you have that support group around you, family or friends, they hopefully can help. I know this too is not easy. I also know that depressed people often disassociate with people. They become distant and hide from others. It doesn't have to be literal, physical hiding, but hiding what's really going on beneath the surface. In some instances, that was what I had done. You attempt to seem happy, or normal but inside the disease is eating you up and your thoughts don't stop. This will only last for a short while until you can no longer hide it, and then its easier to avoid people. Journaling was a way for me to get those things out of my head, if only for a moment. After my mother's death this past June, I realized that she too used the same methods to try and cure her own depression. It was not until after her death that I found out that my mother was on medication for her depression. I always knew my mom had moments of sadness and feeling depressed but I never knew just how miserable she was until I read her journals and saw her suffer with terminal cancer.
My mother's cancer was never going to be cured. I think we all knew that though we all still had hope something would work. My mother, never wanting any of us to see her in pain or suffer tried to remain up-beat and happy but inside, inside her, the depression was there and I can not even imagine how bad she really felt and suffered with her impending death. Even as a Christian, death is scary. Knowing you will die soon and of something as awful and painful as cancer - I can't imagine. I witnessed it from an outsider viewpoint. It was my mother who had to be wrestling with her thoughts every day. I saw the depression take over several times during her last month with us. It was an awful thing to hear and see. I saw what her medication did to reverse the depression. I read how she felt about her life at certain times when she chose to write it down. None of us saw just how bad it was...she was able to hide it, but not always. My mother had God on her side and if she hadn't, she might have thrown in the towel long ago, I don't know. My mom's whole world was her kids and her grandchildren, and I think we kept her going, at least I hope so. In the end my mom's cancer was everywhere and yet she still fought but I think too she'd also given up. She was fighting to stay with us, in front of us, but inside her head, I think she was ready to go home and who could blame her at that point? When she'd decided she wasn't going to do any measures to make things easier for herself, she passed away and went home to be with our Lord. She didn't commit suicide, not even when she knew her cancer was never going to get better. I am sure at that moment she wanted it to be over. How hard it has to be knowing you are dying and just waiting around for it to happen. Does that mean we should end our own lives? No. With God on your side he will help you on your way and it will happen in His time. My mom had so many things she wanted to do, lists and lists, but I think she made peace at the end. God was with her, I know he was.
I am saddened by the loss of Robin Williams and more deeply saddened because he felt his life was no longer worth fighting for. When it comes down to it, that's where a person needs to be in their head to kill themselves. I think it would be safe to assume that one doesn't randomly, happily, wake up one morning and decide it's time to die just because they've lived long enough. I am sure this wasn't on a whim for Williams either. Depression is a disease that grows and grows. He'd probably thought about it for a while and felt absolutely desperate to want to die. A man who entertained and made so many laugh wasn't laughing anymore and perhaps he'd struggled with depressive thoughts even then.
For the opinion that suicide is selfish, how can you think it's anything other than that? It absolutely is. The person who's in that frame of mind doesn't think so because they have convinced themselves everyone will be better off without them, and/or they just feel so miserable they just don't even care what anyone else thinks or feels about the decision they've made to end their lives. They aren't thinking, that's the problem. The disease is thinking for them. It's no different than a drug addicted person who can't get clean no matter how much they try; that is all about themselves because them being doped up all the time is about them and how they feel and not what it does to others. Suicide is about them, its about how they feel even though it's the disease making them feel that way. If you are Christian than you know it's the devil working on you and thriving on those depressive thoughts. Don't give him the satisfaction. Fight to live.
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