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| Mom's favorite flower |
Life tends to throw you a curve ball now and then. It just takes you for surprise, out of nowhere. When something hits you and hits you hard it changes your whole perspective about everything. Your priorities change; pretty much everything changes. As a Christian, I know its bigger than 'life' - it's God. He knows what He is doing and it's all for a purpose. He throws us these things, or so I think to be so, and then leaves up to us how we handle it. He wants us to rely on him for strength and the help we need to get through. Or that's what I tell myself. Having to lose so many of my loved ones so close together was hard enough, but having one of them be my 63 year old mother, to cancer, has felt like hell on earth, frankly.
My Grandfather passed away in 2011, I wasn't very close with him, but it was still sad to lose him. Then in Dec 2012 (Christmas time) my Grandmother passed away after a series of health issues. She was in a nursing home at the time. We buried her in January 2013. Those were both of my Mother's parents. That year, May 2013 we put our 14 year old dog to sleep due to heart problems she'd been fighting for over a year. That was hard not just for me and my husband but my kids too. That was the first pet they really knew and loved that we lost. My grandparents and my dog were all elderly, not that it makes it easier, but you knew one day it was coming. Nobody lives forever, not on Earth. Sometime in February 2014 is when I noticed my 9 year old cat's mouth was smelly. I hadn't thought too much about it as he was prone to chronic gingivitis/stomatitis. A recurring problem for him. So when I took him to the vet I was expecting the same diagnosis and same treatment. Before I made the appointment I looked in his mouth, something he hated me for, and noticed a strange ulcer. Okay, stomatitis can cause that. The vet wasn't overly worried either. Antibiotics were given and schedule for a tooth removal and cleaning.
It was a bad winter. The worst we'd seen in a long time. I had to postpone his appointment by a week. Finally he went in for his surgery. His blood work came back all totally normal. Surgery went fine, except the ulcer was still there. Still not overly worried but wanted a biopsy. We did it and it comes back cancer. Wham! Just like that my world caved in. He had cancer and worse, it was incurable with a very poor prognosis. In March I started him on pain management and it helped for a while but the tumor was aggressive. In and out of the vet we went. What else could I have done? I loved that cat. I would call my mother in tears because of the stress of it all. I was depressed. Seeing someone, or a pet, suffer with a disease like that was un-imaginable. I never dreamed this would happen to someone I love. Then double wham, my mother announces to me on March 12 that she had fast growing breast cancer. But she was going to beat it she said. They were sure it was hormone driven and would be okay. My world crashed down. I sank as low as anyone could. I could not deal with this. Then I got more bad news. My other grandmother suffered a heart attack. She made it though. Praise God!
I put my cat to rest on April 1st and it was so hard. Hard on my kids too. Hard that I had to let him go to better focus on my mother. He was in pain and I needed to end it for him. Brief time of grieving and my life became engulfed in my mother. Things were neglected. Things still are. I didn't care. Nothing was more important than trying to save my mother's life. My kids were okay and their father helped by taking over for me when couldn't be there like I have been for the past 9 years. Our other cat suffered the lose greatly. I think she finally moved on now. I wasn't expecting her to grieve so much. She spent little time with the other cat and mostly just bullied him. From March to June 16 the road was not an easy one for my mom, nor for any of us who cared for her. Our time to deal with the prognosis was much too short. No sooner were we told she had cancer and then she was gone.
It's been 4 weeks and some of the pain eased, but I miss my mother more than words can express. I still cry for her. I want to be happy that she's in Heaven with our Lord where there is no sadness and no cancer, but I still want to know why this had to happen and why I no longer have my mother. I guess this week so far has been hard because it started out bad. There is a lot of stress about finances and how we will pay for her funeral and other expenses. There are other issues that are stressful as well as a result of her passing. Then Sunday night I dreamt of my mom. She was close to death, but she lived and began to recover. I didn't want to wake up Monday morning. When I wake up I have to face the reality that my mom is really gone. She's not at home, she's not at work, she's not just busy. I can't call her anymore. I decided to remove her phone number from my phone because it was painful to see her name there when I scrolled through. On my cell phone, I haven't done that yet. On my cell phone I have some text messages from her I just don't want to delete. There were a couple of her telling me she felt better and others telling me how much she loved me. I haven't looked at them in days. I have been trying to be strong for myself and my family and I thought maybe I was dealing with this okay, in fact I thought maybe something was wrong with me for not grieving enough. But I am not okay. If you've lost a parent, a child, a spouse, someone close to you, I am sorry. I know your pain.
Revelation 21:4 -"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
I wish I could be inspirational here, and maybe some day I can provide advice, but not today. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Before these curve balls. That will never happen. My mother is gone. This isn't my dream where she was so very sick and near death, to the point they said she was gone, but then she came back and got stronger. My mom was a fighter and she was stubborn and she fought tooth and nail to remain in control and to stay for as long as she could with us. Her body couldn't fight anymore. I miss my mom and it pains me to think about her or her struggle. I think I have been trying to ignore it and hope the grief will pass without me noticing, and than my subconscious threw that dream at me. Just another curve ball. I know people who are struggling, who are full time caregivers for their parents or children. I know their struggles are painful but I also know that many probable haven't had time to think about the pain. I didn't allow myself to show worry or sadness during my mother's cancer. Nights are the worst; everyone is sleeping and it's quiet and it's just me and my thoughts. Sleeping is near impossible most nights. When will it end? There's a Bible verse that my Pastor read the other week and I think I need to keep saying this to myself.
Matthew 6:34 - So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
And I need to remember, 1 Peter 5:7 says, Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
I will admit, even though I was raised to believe in God the Father, His son Jesus Christ, and eternal life, the death of my mother has had me questioning my very beliefs. I never doubted for a too long anything I was taught or read in the Bible, and perhaps now it's God testing me, or Satan trying to get inside my head, but I find myself questioning my faith. These curve balls have really done one over on me and I intend to spend more time talking to my Father in Heaven and reading His word.
I'd never thought of this until now, but my Mom was like a daisy, her favorite flower. A daisy grows where it wishes, popping up everywhere in random spots in my yard. They choose where they want to grow and they are stubborn little flowers.Some try to use weed killers to rid their yard of the daisies, I personally leave them. I tried to grow daisies that I bought as starter plants in my flower bed but this year they did not return, however my yard has them in random places. They are not only my mom's favorite, but I named my cat Daisy. Free spirited and not wanting to be controlled...that is a daisy, and that was my mother; its also my cat. My mother is free now and when I see a daisy I will think of her.
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