We've been cleaning out my mothers belongings. Its been 3 weeks since she went home to be with the Lord. I knew my mother was a hoarder; she never threw anything out. It wasn't always that way, or maybe not as bad. I am not sure when my moms "collections" took over her life, but I think now I am realizing why. In the toss and keep of things we have found several notebooks and note pads my mom kept as journals. Most only have a few pages written on, but its been giving us an insight to what was really going on inside my mothers head. I never felt guilty about reading what she wrote, but I have been overcome by immense sadness now that I know just how sad my mother was. We knew she had moments of melancholy; who doesn't? She was clearly struggling and was seeking council from not only people, but God and His word as well. She was for the most part a very private person, and its clear to me now that my mom was suffering from severe depression and an internal struggle; not just physical pain.
Journal after journal there is one recurrent theme; my mother's loneliness and regret for things that happened in her past. Its terribly sad that she was never able to make peace with herself before she passed away. Even surrounded by family and friends my mom felt a lone. She questioned why all her relationships failed, or in her mind they did, and she often blamed herself and felt un-worthy of happiness. A lot of what I read was all too familiar. I too have had moments like that and as a teen and young adult wrote some of those very same words in my journals. I guess its something a lot of people struggle with. I think reading these journals and remembering my mother and her struggle with illnesses and ultimately cancer is showing me that I need to change my attitude about life and try to be a more positive person. I guess I am trying to use my mother's life and death to better my own. Right now though, of course, I am terribly sad that I lost my mother and equally frustrated that she left us with so much to clean up and tie up and figure out how to pay for. In this time, I am finding it hard to find much joy and to get up out of bed and face it...but I do...I have too and with God's help I will get through it.
Its been hard these past weeks without my mom, and well really she wasn't herself long before her passing. The cancer or the treatments, or the medication messed with her head. So now when I struggle with something, or need my moms advice, I can't call on her anymore. I can't text her, I can't hear her words of encouragement, I can't hear her laugh or see her smile; its not been an easy thing to deal with. My mom may have been having an internal struggle,emotionally, but she was ALWAYS there for us. I am 37 years old and I still need my mommy. I was not ready for her to go. Sure I am an adult with my own life and children and don't need her like I did when I was a child, but I still need my mom and she's not here. I miss her. It will be hard come birthday parties for my children and my siblings children because Grammy won't be there. Grammy was always there. My family is pretty close and we gathered for many special days; those days this year and the coming years will be hard. I know it will get easier in way that we will become used to the idea that she won't be there, but it will never be easy that she's gone and how she left us. You were too young Mom.
Sometimes its hard to believe she's gone, like it didn't really happen and she's just at work, or sitting at home, or running her errands and been busy. My nieces birthday is coming up and she'll have a family party and this year, no Grammy. It will feel real then. All the busyness of planning her funeral and paperwork and paperwork and clearing clutter hasn't allowed much time for grieving. I have done it off and on for many days...many weeks...many months if you go back to when my cat was diagnosed and then learning my mother had cancer as well. Its been a rough year for me and my family. My only living grand-parent had a pretty bad heart attack a few months back too. It was easy for me to get angry with God for all He has shelled out to us. Of course I don't want to be angry, but I would like to understand. I may never know why this all had to happen. Why it all happened within months of each other. God has a plan, he has a purpose and I was told he never gave more than you can handle, but is that really true? This was more than anyone one person could handle, or rather handle well. I didn't and I am still struggling.
All that has happened hasn't made me lose my faith but it has brought me many questions. My husband and children and myself have started attending church regularly for a couple months now. Its something that I always intended on doing and originally it was so my kids could have a better understanding of what I tried to teach them at home about my faith and of our Lord. Its good for all four of us however. Now more than ever I truly need to be there. It was so hard attending that Sunday before the day of my mother's funeral, but it was important to go, so I did. The only day I missed was one Sunday when my mother was in the hospital and thought her life was ending because she was having trouble breathing. That day was not her day, but a week later it was. I will never forget Father's day 2014; the day I got a call to come quick because my mother was fading. I was close by the hospice center spending time with my father and had intended to visit my mom after. That was the last day I saw her alive. Fought to the end she did. She wasn't ready to quit but her body couldn't go on. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I stayed there that night until very late. She had her last dose of morphine and was sleeping. Just an emotional time for my sister and myself, watching my mom. I knew she was leaving us but how could I not feel a little happiness that she was no longer going to suffer her immense pain. She went on to a much better place where cancer doesn't exist and depression isn't a word. My questions are un-answered but perhaps this is His way of telling me to dig deeper.
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