So today's blog post is going to seem like I am repeating myself, but I'm playing off of something I touched on in my last post. Because of recent events in my life I've been able to see many things more clearly and because I like to do research on countless topics, many times just for the heck of it, I wanted to share something with anyone who happens upon my blog (which is likely few) in the hopes it may help at least one person.
Before I begin, let me say, as a target throughout most of my life, I know first-hand the effects of being bullied. This is something that I really hope I can help my children with so they can avoid the pain that I felt growing up and make them stronger and see when they are being bullied, and know when to ask for help.
What is a bully? A bully is someone who picks on, verbally, or physically, someone else. A bully can be a child or an adult. Depending on the age of both the bully and target, the way in which bullying occurs may differ, but the outcome is the same. A bully often will appear charming, or well-behaved and liked by all when in the company of more than their bullied target, but a lone it's a different story. A bully is quick to criticize you, find fault with you, and generally just attempt to make you feel bad about yourself while they glorify themselves. With children often a bully just picks on someone relentlessly to see the reaction, or they may demand items in exchange for friendship, which in reality never happens, they will never truly be your friend. Sometimes physical abuse is used. Fighting back with your fists is never the answer.
Recognize the signs of a bully. A bully is often a control freak and has to constantly brag about themselves in an attempt to build themselves up and compare to someone else. When confronted about their bullying they often will become very agitated, nasty, cruel and obsess over it. A bully is immature by nature. A bully is spiteful, insecure, and claims to be the victim when other tactics don't work. They will do anything to get the attention off themselves or the real topic at hand.
Does this sound like anyone you know in your life? I have a bully. I may have more than one, but one for sure. I never really realized that is what this person was doing until one day I decided to look up bullying on the internet because as a mother I wanted to know the best way to handle a possible bully to my child. There was an incident, and I wanted to be sure I was handling things the best way. I never expected to come across all that I did, but when I read what I read, what I summarized greatly for you above, a light in my head went off and I realized that a person with whom I've been struggling with is in fact bullying me. I guess I sort-of knew that already, but there was just something about what I read that really made me look at the situation and say, yeah, that's right. I had a total Wow moment.
So why is a person bullied? Well, I'm sure there are many theories out there, but after reading what I did, and looking at my own life and situation, I decided that my grandmother, and my mother, may be right. Jealousy; pure and simple. But if you're like me, you may say, why would they be jealous of me? I can't answer that because I am still wondering that in my own life. So some theories are a bully may be jealous of you for having more friends, or close friends, than they have; or just being able to spend more time with your friends and having fun. A bully will not like it if people come to you for advice and not them, making them feel left out. A bully will pick someone who won't join cliques, or has their own thoughts and will not conform to the bullies own ideas. What it comes down to often is jealousy and envy.
A bully will often pick a target person who is honest and well-liked, especially if they themselves are not. The way I see it from personal experience and what I read, you can be a target if you're a general good, kind, caring person who doesn't like trouble, doesn't start trouble, and tries to get a long with the majority. You are someone who people respect and want to know and likely the very opposite of the picture the bully tries to paint of you. You may be quiet, reserved and not give in and you normally will not show outwardly how you feel about what your bully said or did to you, but you will feel it on the inside and may express later, not in front of your bully. Is this you?
There is a wealth of information out there, one place that I think you need to visit if you or your children or someone you know is being bullied, is this site http://www.bullyonline.org/ You may be surprised at what you read. It will likely fit your bully to a T. The site focuses on bully's in the workplace, but the idea is the same whether it's on a playground, at work, online, friends, or family. A bully is a bully. Their motives are the same. The outcome is the same. It is up to you, the one being targeted, to stop it, and if you can't stop the bullying on your own, be strong enough to seek help. Don't ever think that you are weak, no, it is they who are weak.
If you are bully than please find help. You likely have many issues to resolve before you will be able to stop hurting others. Parents, if your child is being bullied at school, regardless of sex, age, or reason (as if there is ever a good reason - there isn't!), seek help. Don't ignore it. Don't just chalk it up to childhood being tough. You may not realize just what kind of damage that bully is doing mentally/emotionally to your child. Your child may be having self doubts, sometimes severe, or become depressed, distant, and anti-social. If your child comes to you about someone hitting them, or just relentless picking, please do something; call the teacher, the principal, someone. Watch for signs that your child may have a bully. If you learn that is the case, please re-assure your child that there is nothing wrong with them. There isn't anything anybody does to deserve to be bullied.
Before I begin, let me say, as a target throughout most of my life, I know first-hand the effects of being bullied. This is something that I really hope I can help my children with so they can avoid the pain that I felt growing up and make them stronger and see when they are being bullied, and know when to ask for help.
What is a bully? A bully is someone who picks on, verbally, or physically, someone else. A bully can be a child or an adult. Depending on the age of both the bully and target, the way in which bullying occurs may differ, but the outcome is the same. A bully often will appear charming, or well-behaved and liked by all when in the company of more than their bullied target, but a lone it's a different story. A bully is quick to criticize you, find fault with you, and generally just attempt to make you feel bad about yourself while they glorify themselves. With children often a bully just picks on someone relentlessly to see the reaction, or they may demand items in exchange for friendship, which in reality never happens, they will never truly be your friend. Sometimes physical abuse is used. Fighting back with your fists is never the answer.
Recognize the signs of a bully. A bully is often a control freak and has to constantly brag about themselves in an attempt to build themselves up and compare to someone else. When confronted about their bullying they often will become very agitated, nasty, cruel and obsess over it. A bully is immature by nature. A bully is spiteful, insecure, and claims to be the victim when other tactics don't work. They will do anything to get the attention off themselves or the real topic at hand.
Does this sound like anyone you know in your life? I have a bully. I may have more than one, but one for sure. I never really realized that is what this person was doing until one day I decided to look up bullying on the internet because as a mother I wanted to know the best way to handle a possible bully to my child. There was an incident, and I wanted to be sure I was handling things the best way. I never expected to come across all that I did, but when I read what I read, what I summarized greatly for you above, a light in my head went off and I realized that a person with whom I've been struggling with is in fact bullying me. I guess I sort-of knew that already, but there was just something about what I read that really made me look at the situation and say, yeah, that's right. I had a total Wow moment.
So why is a person bullied? Well, I'm sure there are many theories out there, but after reading what I did, and looking at my own life and situation, I decided that my grandmother, and my mother, may be right. Jealousy; pure and simple. But if you're like me, you may say, why would they be jealous of me? I can't answer that because I am still wondering that in my own life. So some theories are a bully may be jealous of you for having more friends, or close friends, than they have; or just being able to spend more time with your friends and having fun. A bully will not like it if people come to you for advice and not them, making them feel left out. A bully will pick someone who won't join cliques, or has their own thoughts and will not conform to the bullies own ideas. What it comes down to often is jealousy and envy.
A bully will often pick a target person who is honest and well-liked, especially if they themselves are not. The way I see it from personal experience and what I read, you can be a target if you're a general good, kind, caring person who doesn't like trouble, doesn't start trouble, and tries to get a long with the majority. You are someone who people respect and want to know and likely the very opposite of the picture the bully tries to paint of you. You may be quiet, reserved and not give in and you normally will not show outwardly how you feel about what your bully said or did to you, but you will feel it on the inside and may express later, not in front of your bully. Is this you?
There is a wealth of information out there, one place that I think you need to visit if you or your children or someone you know is being bullied, is this site http://www.bullyonline.org/ You may be surprised at what you read. It will likely fit your bully to a T. The site focuses on bully's in the workplace, but the idea is the same whether it's on a playground, at work, online, friends, or family. A bully is a bully. Their motives are the same. The outcome is the same. It is up to you, the one being targeted, to stop it, and if you can't stop the bullying on your own, be strong enough to seek help. Don't ever think that you are weak, no, it is they who are weak.
If you are bully than please find help. You likely have many issues to resolve before you will be able to stop hurting others. Parents, if your child is being bullied at school, regardless of sex, age, or reason (as if there is ever a good reason - there isn't!), seek help. Don't ignore it. Don't just chalk it up to childhood being tough. You may not realize just what kind of damage that bully is doing mentally/emotionally to your child. Your child may be having self doubts, sometimes severe, or become depressed, distant, and anti-social. If your child comes to you about someone hitting them, or just relentless picking, please do something; call the teacher, the principal, someone. Watch for signs that your child may have a bully. If you learn that is the case, please re-assure your child that there is nothing wrong with them. There isn't anything anybody does to deserve to be bullied.
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