Over the weekend I was searching in cabinets and drawers trying to find an empty folder that I knew I had and needed to use for some papers. In my quest, I came across my diary and journals, old and new. It's not as if I forgot they were there, but occasionally I do like to go back and read portions of what my life was like. I know there is one very important diary missing from my stack, but that's a long story as to it's demise; never-the-less, I have what remains of my childhood and teenage years, plus some more from adulthood, to which I add to on occasion. Sometimes it's fun to go back and sometimes I need to go back. Not only are these therapeutic for me, but they have become a source of inspiration.
The smallest diary in the bunch is one that sometime in the 80's when I was young, my mother had given to me. It's small and brown, the lock is broken and no longer latches, the pages are worn, some are torn and stained and there are pages missing, and some more that have been added. This was a one-year diary that I kept on writing in for several years. Inside the cover it has my name and warning for my sister to keep out. The diary starts at 1989 and there is no end date as yet. The very first entry is on January 3, 1989; thankfully I was wise enough to add the year to each of the pages. I was 12 at the time and my hand-writing was large, cursive and sloppy. There's not much here. A crush on Harrison Ford and statement of a girl, whom I still speak to now, being my best friend. Much of my entries from this year are just as short with not much interesting words being said. I signed many entries with my name as if writing a letter.
In contrast, I wrote another entry on January 3, 1996, this one not being nearly as cute. I was 19 at the time of that entry and that one was rather sad. It's only a few lines but you can tell the state of mind I was in. My sister, who was my best friend and only 11 months younger than I, had been dating a nice guy and people around me were dating and I was feeling left behind as it hadn't happened for me yet. This was likely the start of a very long period in my life that in diary and journal entries got very dark, and very unlike who I thought I was before, and who I think I am after. Some of what I wrote is hard for me to believe that I in fact wrote those things. I became someone very different from who I was and though maybe I am not that naive innocent cute girl that I seemed to be at age 12, I also did not continue in my very destructive attitude towards life.
Later that year, 1989, I talk about God, my Christian life, and my hopes and dreams when I grow up. Pretty simple things and fun to read. The diary entries are very sporadic and turning the pages leads you to one year, than the next year, but like I said, good that I wrote the year down on each page. The entries from 1996-1998 were the most disturbing to read. Things started to turn bad in 1996, were really bad in 1997 but then began to turn around by summer of that year, only to be up and down after that. Depression runs in my family and I know that during this time much of my behavior and my writing stemmed from some form of depression. At first it was a roller-coaster of emotions; up one day and down the next until it became all down, all the time. I was raised to believe in God and considered myself a Christian all my life, but during that period of my life I tried to put God aside, but I never really forgot about him and even in my anger of the world and my life, God was still there, and I still saw him; it's evident in my diary entries even though much of what I wrote was very un-Godly. I still, however, had moments of clarity and felt guilty for trying to shut God out. He wasn't giving up on me even when I tried to leave Him out.
I had convinced myself that I needed to become someone else to get the things I desired most. What a stupid way and destructive way of thinking. It was hard for me though when my sister and all my friends seemed to be dating and moving forward in their lives and it still wasn't happening for me. Yes..much of what I was depressed about was due to my lack of love life; but it wasn't the only thing that I hated about my life. My social life seemed stuck, although I did join a bowling team and had great fun and met some good people and my job life was really stuck. I worked hard and got paid little - the story of many people's lives. Things did start to turn around for me though even if it was in my put God aside moment. I have always said, and I still say that meeting my husband saved my life. Even though we may not have met in the most Christian way, I do believe that God put him there for me and helped save me from me from possibly getting worse. You can see this in my diary. So much anger...so much hate...so much pain...you can see it falling apart, me crumbling and giving up - than the next thing you read is about meeting a new guy. Things changed from there. I no longer have the things I wrote while we were dating, so I can not re-live those feelings I had...but I can remember them. Sometimes I wish that I still had those writings so I can really see the change that came over me. I have a few, and that's enough.
Beyond this point I've written mostly about being pregnant and having my children. Sure there are still those entries that are down but more ups than down now. I don't really have a point to this post, as most of mine don't, but I will say this - no matter how many times I know I have hurt God, he still takes me back. I wish this was true with my human friends/family. I don't want to hurt God, but somehow it seems people hurt those that they love the most when things don't go exactly right, it takes work not to do that. I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith, without God in my life. I feel like I saw a taste of that, and don't want to go back.
So on closing this post, a little prayer: Thank you Lord for all you have given me. Thank you for your love and forgiveness. I pray that you watch over my family and my friends and provide them with the guidance they need in their lives and keep them safe Lord and free from pain. Amen.
The smallest diary in the bunch is one that sometime in the 80's when I was young, my mother had given to me. It's small and brown, the lock is broken and no longer latches, the pages are worn, some are torn and stained and there are pages missing, and some more that have been added. This was a one-year diary that I kept on writing in for several years. Inside the cover it has my name and warning for my sister to keep out. The diary starts at 1989 and there is no end date as yet. The very first entry is on January 3, 1989; thankfully I was wise enough to add the year to each of the pages. I was 12 at the time and my hand-writing was large, cursive and sloppy. There's not much here. A crush on Harrison Ford and statement of a girl, whom I still speak to now, being my best friend. Much of my entries from this year are just as short with not much interesting words being said. I signed many entries with my name as if writing a letter.
In contrast, I wrote another entry on January 3, 1996, this one not being nearly as cute. I was 19 at the time of that entry and that one was rather sad. It's only a few lines but you can tell the state of mind I was in. My sister, who was my best friend and only 11 months younger than I, had been dating a nice guy and people around me were dating and I was feeling left behind as it hadn't happened for me yet. This was likely the start of a very long period in my life that in diary and journal entries got very dark, and very unlike who I thought I was before, and who I think I am after. Some of what I wrote is hard for me to believe that I in fact wrote those things. I became someone very different from who I was and though maybe I am not that naive innocent cute girl that I seemed to be at age 12, I also did not continue in my very destructive attitude towards life.
Later that year, 1989, I talk about God, my Christian life, and my hopes and dreams when I grow up. Pretty simple things and fun to read. The diary entries are very sporadic and turning the pages leads you to one year, than the next year, but like I said, good that I wrote the year down on each page. The entries from 1996-1998 were the most disturbing to read. Things started to turn bad in 1996, were really bad in 1997 but then began to turn around by summer of that year, only to be up and down after that. Depression runs in my family and I know that during this time much of my behavior and my writing stemmed from some form of depression. At first it was a roller-coaster of emotions; up one day and down the next until it became all down, all the time. I was raised to believe in God and considered myself a Christian all my life, but during that period of my life I tried to put God aside, but I never really forgot about him and even in my anger of the world and my life, God was still there, and I still saw him; it's evident in my diary entries even though much of what I wrote was very un-Godly. I still, however, had moments of clarity and felt guilty for trying to shut God out. He wasn't giving up on me even when I tried to leave Him out.
I had convinced myself that I needed to become someone else to get the things I desired most. What a stupid way and destructive way of thinking. It was hard for me though when my sister and all my friends seemed to be dating and moving forward in their lives and it still wasn't happening for me. Yes..much of what I was depressed about was due to my lack of love life; but it wasn't the only thing that I hated about my life. My social life seemed stuck, although I did join a bowling team and had great fun and met some good people and my job life was really stuck. I worked hard and got paid little - the story of many people's lives. Things did start to turn around for me though even if it was in my put God aside moment. I have always said, and I still say that meeting my husband saved my life. Even though we may not have met in the most Christian way, I do believe that God put him there for me and helped save me from me from possibly getting worse. You can see this in my diary. So much anger...so much hate...so much pain...you can see it falling apart, me crumbling and giving up - than the next thing you read is about meeting a new guy. Things changed from there. I no longer have the things I wrote while we were dating, so I can not re-live those feelings I had...but I can remember them. Sometimes I wish that I still had those writings so I can really see the change that came over me. I have a few, and that's enough.
Beyond this point I've written mostly about being pregnant and having my children. Sure there are still those entries that are down but more ups than down now. I don't really have a point to this post, as most of mine don't, but I will say this - no matter how many times I know I have hurt God, he still takes me back. I wish this was true with my human friends/family. I don't want to hurt God, but somehow it seems people hurt those that they love the most when things don't go exactly right, it takes work not to do that. I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith, without God in my life. I feel like I saw a taste of that, and don't want to go back.
So on closing this post, a little prayer: Thank you Lord for all you have given me. Thank you for your love and forgiveness. I pray that you watch over my family and my friends and provide them with the guidance they need in their lives and keep them safe Lord and free from pain. Amen.
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